


If I Could Change Your Mind

by egotistico



Series: Girls au [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: F/M, Fem!Kenma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-18
Updated: 2017-03-03
Packaged: 2018-02-13 16:35:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2157627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/egotistico/pseuds/egotistico
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>lmao</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Everything is Embarrassing

**Author's Note:**

> I made a thing.  
> There's an amazing artist on tumblr who I based girl Kenma on called [mookie000](http://mookie000.tumblr.com/) because their fem!Kenma is so pretty & all their art in general is amazing. 
> 
> Title comes from Haim.
> 
> 2/7/15: [MaggieBeeArt](http://maggiebeeart.tumblr.com/post/109154582653/i-was-reading-this-fic-if-i-could-change-your) & is great

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is Embarrassing - Sky Ferreira

Kenma can’t stop staring at Kuroo play. Every spike, block, a-quick, she sees them all and can’t pull away. He looks at her and smiles after scoring again. Looking away, she pretends to write something down on her clipboard while he high fives Yamamoto. They win the match 2 to 0. Kuroo comes up and ruffles her hair, happy about the fact they are in the top 16. There’s a warmth in her heart and she has no idea where it came from.

That night, she dreams about Kuroo, and how happy he was. When she wakes up, she’s confused because he’s never in her dreams. She decides to ignore it, since it probably doesn’t mean anything.

\---

They didn’t qualify for nationals, but don’t stop training. It still bothers Kenma to have seen Kuroo upset about losing, but he seems to have gotten over it, putting all of his focus on practicing for the tournaments to come in his third year. Every so often, Kenma is looking at Kuroo practice. She blushes each time because she remembers her dreams. Lately, they’ve consisted of him holding her hand and taking her out. They always leave her bewildered because she prefers the comfort of home than being out in public. But every time, she always feels a weird warmth in her heart when she wakes up or when he says goodbye, wanting to be dreaming a little more or just for him to stay a little longer.

She lightly jogs up to Yaku while everyone is clearing out the gym to head home, “Yaku-san, can I ask you something?” If there was anyone she could trust with this question, it’d be him. If anyone was to be considered the mother of the group, it wasn’t her, it was Yaku due to his natural caring nature.

Surprised that she’s actually talking to him, he answers, “Sure Kozume-chan. Is everything okay?”

She’s looking downward, playing with her the ends of her black hair, “Um, lately I’ve getting a warm feeling in my chest… I don’t really know what it is.”

“Is it heartburn? You’ve been eating a lot of oranges and cheese burgers lately,” he asks worriedly.

Shaking her head, she replies, “No. It comes whenever I see someone in particular. I can’t get them out of my mind and it’s very troublesome because I’ve never felt like this before about them.”

“Is it someone on the team?” He seems genuinely concerned for her feelings and she doesn’t want to have him worried over her stupid problems.

She shakes her head, lying, “No, they’re in my class.”

Yaku begins to grin, “It sounds like a crush.”

Shaking her head again, “There’s no way. He’s too much of a dick for me to like. Every time I see his stupid face, I want to smash it using one of those hammers from Smash Bros to make all of this stop…” a sudden epiphany hits her, “Holy shit.” Yaku still has a huge smile on his face, pats her shoulder adding a “good luck” and continues to clean. Eyes wide, she heads to the girls locker room to change. Without saying anything, she heads home by herself, completely shocked.

At home, she can’t concentrate on her homework. She tries to level up her Jolteon, finish a mission on Portal and plays ten rounds of Flappy Bird before she’s lying in bed, thinking.

Kenma has never been interested in people or getting to know them, much less romantically. If she thinks back, her last crush was on some boy who helped her clean up a mess of papers back in her second year of middle school. He eventually moved to Osaka and that was the end of that. The only reason she was friends with Kuroo was because they lived two houses a part from each other. As kids, he would invite himself over and stay the night (which ended when they hit puberty and her mom gave her “the talk”), but Kenma never complained. He taught her how to play volleyball, even though she sucked. And even though he failed at getting her to play for the girls’ team, he managed to convince her to be a manager so she wouldn’t waste her youth on video games (which she doesn’t really see what’s wrong with doing that). Apparently, her watching from the sidelines has made her a good strategist. But he was always considerate of her anxiety. Kuroo never made her do anything she didn’t want to do.

Would Kuroo even like her back? Yamamoto always has his eyes and ears out when they’re near other teams, shouting some bullshit about how “no one will touch our cute manager,” to which Yaku slaps him for drawing unwanted attention. Kuroo also looked out for her every time a guy from another team tried to corner her, which wasn’t often, considering usually kept her head down. She pretends not to care, trying to make herself believe she doesn’t need validation in how attractive she is, but it gives her just a bit of confidence to know she’s a least somewhat attractive to others too for someone to become her bodyguard. She’s always makes sure she’s presentable, but not as nicely done as the girls Kuroo has dated, even then she was never jealous of them because he still hung out with her, but that doesn’t mean he likes her, that’s just being a good friend.

Glaring at the ceiling fan, she shoves all her thoughts aside and tries to get some sleep. She’ll finish her homework in the morning and copy the rest from Fukunaga.

\---

Kuroo is waiting for her downstairs, cup of coffee in one hand, the other studying some notes for an English exam. Glancing up at her, he muses, “You left without me yesterday. Are you feeling okay?”

Kenma holds the door for him and answers, “I’m fine, I was just cramping up from my period,” and adds a quick, “Bye mom,” who waves them off.

“I thought that was over the day before,” Kuroo continues, then repeats some random English phrases.

“This one was irregular, but it’s gone,” she takes out her cellphone and begins to play Candy Crush, letting Kuroo study on their way to school. She really hopes he doesn’t see her blushing from the fact he still has her cycle memorized.

\---

She’s not paying attention when she’s walking around with her head down, focusing on playing 2048 even though she’s already at 6983. A loud yell makes her drop her phone and she sees Yamamoto clutching his heart. Kai is just laughing at him as Yamamoto whispers something in his ear, still too shy to talk to her.

“What is it,” she asks dully, checking for any damage to her phone.

Kai hits his back, a little too roughly, and address the shy ace’s words to her. “He says you’re so cute, but your hair is doesn’t suit you for looking down like that.”

“I don’t really care,” she retorts, unaffected as he whispers something else to Kai.

“He says sometimes you look like Sadako and really stand out.”

That hits her hard and she’s tells Kai to tell coach Naoi she’s ditching today’s practice. After a twenty minute train ride, she finds herself in the place she hates most, her mother’s hair salon. As a kid,  her mom would take her to the salon. It’s the people inside this salon that has sprouted her fear of what people think of her. People come here because they want to look better, to impress people and make sure they’re noticed. Kenma has never liked that, she would rather go unnoticed, but that little part has stayed with her, which is why she is here.

Her mother is working on a snobby old woman and almost screws up when she sees her daughter. “Honey, what brings you here? Is everything alright?”

Biting her lip, she’s never really asked much of her mother, but she comes up to her, murmuring, “I just want my hair done."

"You never let me touch your hair!" Smiling, her mom tells her to go sit at the last chair and put on a cover up. She asks the receptionist to cancel of her appointments, while another takes over finishing off the old woman who is a little more than pissed. Kenma doesn’t give a shit though and she’s pretty sure her mom doesn’t either.

They’ve never been close. Her mom is talkative, pretty, and outgoing, but Kenma takes after her father, preferring the comfort of a good book and silence. Every once in a while, she’ll bother her about not going out enough with some girls and of course, dating (though it doesn't really make sense since she'll freak out about the thought of Kenma having sex). Kenma would never tell her mom about her feelings for Kuroo, but she still loves her and sometimes wishes she were as brave as she is. Her mother asked out her father, directly confessing and that’s something Kenma would never be able to do.

Waiting patiently, her mother is preparing a mixture next to her. “Kenma, I’m going to bleach your hair. It’s a very popular  and a lot of the girls are doing it right now, so you’ll fit right in.” Kenma nods, trusting her.

In the span of three hours, Kenma’s hair has been cut, bleached and wrapped in foil. Her eyes are tired, homework is done and she’s reached the sixth gym leader in a new game of Pokemon Red. Finally, the foil is unwrapped, and her hair is a nice golden blonde.

“You’ll need another session next week to keep the damage minimal,” her mother comments as she tips her head back to wash.

The now blonde shakes her head, “No, it’s fine like this.” Truthfully, she just doesn’t want to come back. Blow drying her hair, her mother begins to style it, explaining maintenance to her, and what how she added layers for more volume or some shit like that. At the end, she adds a cute little pony tail at the top of her head.

“You should really do your hair more often so people can see that pretty face I created.”

“We'll see,” she agrees anyway. They close up the salon and go home together, not saying much on the way there.

At home, she’s finishing up Portal 2 when Kuroo texts her that he won’t be able to meet up with her in the morning. This makes her a bit disappointed since, but she’ll see him at afternoon practice. He hasn’t really been talking to her lately, but exams have been piling up so she’s been blaming it on that.  There’s a small knock on her door and her father is coming in.

“I heard your mother dyed your hair, and I had to see it to believe it,” he’s messing with her hair, and he’s holding up a small bag and leaves it on her desk. “I figured since your mom did something for you, I’d get you a gift so I wouldn’t lose my spot as favorite parent.”

Rolling her eyes, she says thank you as he exits. She opens the bag. It’s a make-up kit from Smashbox. It’s nice, expensive and intriguing. She's never had an interest in make-up, but that doesn't mean she can't start. Opening up her laptop, she clicks YouTube and starts watching tutorials. For the next three hours, she’s fucking with the products and treats it like an art project on her face, getting better  every time she gets something that doesn’t look like a color didn’t explode on her face or when her smokey eye doesn’t look like she’s been punched in the face by Captain Falcon.

Honestly, she likes how she looks with her eyelashes being overly defined by mascara and a bit of neutral eye shadow to cover up how veiny her eyelids are. 

\---

In class, Fukunaga gives her a surprised look, but as always, says nothing. There are a few comments being made, one even asking, “whose the new girl,” and Kenma is shrinking in her seat. The comments die down and the shock factor is over. It’s just a trend and she’s thankful the other students see that. The day passes, with a few stupid cat pictures from Kuroo being sent over.

Its afternoon practice and Yamamoto is crying, “Our manager is the cutest in all of Japan! She makes my heart soar and want to win!” Yaku kicks him in the stomach.

“It looks very nice, Kenma,” Yaku compliments and others agree.

Kuroo looks at her, “What’s up with this,” he starts to run his fingers through her hair, “the texture didn’t fuck up, so that’s nice.”

“My mom did it and she could probably fix your hair too if you would just ask,” but Kenma secretly wishes he’ll keep his hair like that forever. “My mom says it compliments my skin tone.”

“Are you wearing makeup?” His face is too close, and she can see his gorgeous piercing eyes that he loves to use to intimidate his opponents.

Oh God, he’s noticing everything. Her heart is beating faster and she’s disappointed when he stops touching her, head feeling hot. “Gift from dad. Shouldn’t you warm up? Your teammates won’t respect you as captain if you don’t.”

He nods, smirking at her, “It's a nice color.”

He leaves to join his team and she lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding in.

Practice goes smoothly and Kuroo fits the role of being a captain. On the walk home, she’s playing a game of Bejeweled, when Kuroo speaks out, “You don’t need to do anything just because someone doesn’t like it. Yamamoto is a dumbass.”

“I like the way it looks. Yeah, I don’t need makeup, but I don’t dislike it. It’s just something new I want to do for myself.”

“I guess so. Sorry, it’s not really my place to tell you how to look.” He pats her head, and she opens her gate, “I really do like the color though,” he adds and leaves. She knows she doesn’t need his validation, but suddenly she feels hot.

\---

Kuroo is kissing her, and she’s moaning while his hand is going downward, rubbing her thigh. The other is busy trying to unbutton her blouse. Once it’s off, he’s nipping at her breast through her bra and keeps going downward, with a trail of kisses. He pulls up her school skirt and leaves small kisses on the inside of her thighs until he’s lightly licking her through her panties. Kenma is moaning loudly and begs him not to tease her. 

Kuroo starts moving his mouth, trying to say something, but it all comes out as beeps.

She wakes up, panties wet, vagina wetter and is glaring at her alarm, shutting it off. It’s not like this is her first wet dream (she likes to thank Vincent Valentine from Final Fantasy VII for starting those), but it’s the first to leave her wanting so much more. She heads to the shower, and decides to finish off rather than go to school still hot and bothered.

\---

Walking to school is embarrassing, but years of keeping emotions hidden helps her from showing it as Kuroo casually talks about how he’ll run next year’s team. It’s the last day anyway, so he has the rest of spring break to figure things out. In front of the gate, Kenma notices a pretty girl from her class. Her hair is gorgeous and her makeup looks like a professional did it. Kuroo is looking up at her. She’s taller than she is and has long, lean legs. She’s probably waiting on a friend. Or so she thought until she hugs Kuroo and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

“Kenma, this is my girlfriend, Saito Mei,” he introduces and her heart sinks when he adds, “Mei, this is my friend Kenma.”

Kenma gives a small hello, hoping they can’t hear her heart being torn apart. She starts off to class. “She’s kind of shy,” she hears Kuroo tell Mei.

Shy, yes, but more so on the verge of crying out her heart. But that would cause a scene so she keeps it in until she gets home without Kuroo. Shutting the the door to her room, she slides down to the floor.

How could she be so stupid to like him? He’d never like his “ _friend_.” Mascara is running down her eyes and she wiping it off with a tissue. Her heart feels like it is being ripped apart into thousands of pieces and her anxiety starts to get to her. Beating rapidly, her heart feels heavy in her chest and she forces herself to stop crying.

Eventually the tears stop, but the pain doesn't. In front of a mirror, she strips down to her underwear, staring at herself. Her legs are slightly above average, stomach is flat. She cups her breasts through her bra. They’re a perky b-cup, unlike Mei who was probably a d-cup. She’s only about 168 centimeters. Mei was probably a 179 centimeters and perfect for him. It made sense. Dejected, she stops looking at the mirror and tells herself that it’ll only make things worse.

\---

Kuroo spent most of the break with Mei, and visited twice. The first time, he only stayed an hour before his mom called him back because his grandparents decided to visit. The second time, he played Mario Kart with her, not really saying much because there wasn’t much to talk about besides Mei. “Mei likes GNKO and Dir en grey” (bullshit, she listens to SNSD and Kara) and “Mei told me she agrees that the prime minister is total shit” (no she doesn’t, Kenma overheard her saying she hates politics). But she doesn’t say anything because Kuroo is happy. Jealousy is an ugly thing, she tells herself. It's normal that he wants to be with his girlfriend, isn't it? She wouldn't know, she's never been with anyone or desired it until now.

The morning of the first day of school, she gets up early to make sure she’s able to give Kai enough flyers that she made over break to hand out for the Volleyball Club. Incoming freshman are the future and they are in need of a few new players. Yaku and Kai gladly volunteered to hand out flyer since Kuroo is too intimidating and Kenma won’t even speak to strangers.

The school gates are already open and full of students as she makes her way to Yaku and Kai. She so focused on reaching her destination, that she doesn’t see the tall, blond boy she bumps into.

Quickly and quietly, she murmurs a small “I’m sorry,” but he tries to stop her.

“Sorry, are those the volleyball flyers? Can I have one?” Shyly, she nods and hands him one. “Thank you!” She rushes out of there, and shoves the papers into Yaku’s hands.

“Hey, I saw you hand one to a really tall kid! Hopefully he joins. We could use a tall blocker like him,” Kai mentions, “Did you catch his name?”

“No, I left before he could say anything else.” She starts to feel claustrophobic by the amount of first years cluttering the entrance and decides to head for a secluded spot, letting out a deep breath. She rests her head against the wall. New people means having to get to know them, which isn’t that bad, but she rea-

Her thoughts are broken when she hears a small moan coming from a storage closet next to the wall. The window is slightly open.

“Mei, be quiet, or well get caught.” That’s definitely Kuroo’s voice. Her face turns red because he start grunting and she’s running off to the nearest bathroom. It feels like a band aid is being ripped off of her heart that she is trying so hard to mend. Of course Kuroo has had sex, she was the first one he told when he lost his virginity. She didn’t care then, but now the thought of him with someone else makes her sick. She can’t look Kuroo in the eye for the rest of the week.

\---

They’ve got a few first years to join. Inuoka and Shibayama are promising. One of them being the tall blond, Lev, who she bumped into, is total shit at volleyball, but he has natural athletic skill to get him by. She feels a little bad for him since Yaku and Kuroo are training him, which should be considered physical abuse, but he needs to learn. He’s cocky, blunt and wants to be the next ace which makes everyone laugh.

“How do you like your line up,” Kenma asks, finally able to walk home with Kuroo after two weeks.

“Once Lev is finally up to par, I think we’ll make it to nationals. Kid has the natural athletic talent, just not the skills.” Kuroo is texting away and she’s feeling jealous again, “Kid keeps on looking at you. Probably has a crush.”

“I didn’t pay attention to him, I was figuring out our budget.”

“It’s just a hunch. He’s handsome. If I were you, I probably wouldn’t reject him. He looks like he’ll worship the ground you walk on if you tell him to.”

She scoffs, “Doubt it." 

\---

They don’t walk to school together for a while and Lev has been trying to warm up to her by complimenting her. Every day he’s asking her about her day and telling her that she looks cute. It’s just puppy love in her eyes. After practice, he asks her to wait for him. Mei is already there waiting on Kuroo.

“Kenma, right?” She nods. “You’re Tetsurou’s friend? And you come to school with him right?”

“Not lately, but yeah,” tapping at her phone, she doesn’t look up.

“Can you stop doing that? It doesn’t feel right for him to do that.”

“Tell him yourself, it’s his choice,” she’s a little annoyed now.

“I can’t do that. He’ll think I’m jealous. I’m not asking you to stop being friends, but just to tone it down. People talk you know, about how close you guys are.”

“Sounds like a personal problem,” she looks up and Lev is finally out with Kuroo. She motions at Lev so they can leave.

“Senpai, who was that,” Lev questions, walking with her.

“No one.”

\---

Lev asked her to go out to a movie with him this weekend. Public places still make her nervous, but she’s also still pretty pissed about the Mei thing, so she agrees, hoping to forget the whole thing. It’s her first official date and her mom was eavesdropping when she noticed Kuroo wasn’t with her when Lev dropped her off.

“Can I do your hair?” the woman is raiding her closet for a cute outfit, pulling out everything.

“Mom, I have to leave in an hour, you’ll take five hours.” Her mother continues to nag her so she agrees. It’s a simple ballerina bun, but it’s nice. Her mom put her in a floral dress, with boots. It’s a little too girly for Kenma’s taste, but it shuts her mom up.

When Lev sees her, he’s obviously flustered, “You look really pretty, senpai.”

In an obvious ploy to get Kenma in his arms easier, he chose the scariest movie playing. But Kenma’s played enough Slenderman and Asylum that she’s really not phased, but amused by Lev’s small yelps. Her stomach growls after the movie.

“Senpai, there’s a café that’s really good down the street. Can I take you?” her stomach answers for her. He pays for everything she orders. “I was wondering if you could tutor me in kanji sometime. I’m having issues with literature and I don’t want to fail and not be able to play.”

“You wouldn’t play anyway, you suck,” she adds bluntly, “but okay.”

\---

Kuroo is coming her way while she’s packing a few things for their trip to Miyagi. “I’ve noticed you’ve been spending more time with Lev,” he looks mad. “So what’s up with that? You’re ditching me for him? You don’t even wait for me in the morning anymore.”

Normally, Kenma would avoid confrontation like this, but a sudden rush of anger comes out, “So you’re talking to me now?” She keeps in what Mei’s said for the sake of them team. It can wait for a little while.

“Kenma,” he starts, but shuts up. She knows he’s realized she has a point. She heads onto the bus and makes it a point to take up two seats, clearly wanting to be alone, sleeping the whole trip.

\---

They hardly speak the whole time they’re there until Kenma gets lost. All she wanted was so fresh air, but ended up taking a few wrong turns. That lead to invasive questions by a weird Karasuno kid who is too short to be a blocker, but is also one of the most interesting kids she's ever met. Kuroo found her a few minutes later.

"See you later, Shouyou," she waves.

"Is that your new best friend?"

"Shut up. I got his number, he's nice. Like the little brother I never wanted."

“You shouldn’t wander around,” he tells her, “We’re strangers here. You could have been kidnapped. You had me worried sick.”

The last part has her raise an eyebrow, “I’m sorry.” And they continue the rest of their time there in silence, but Kuroo makes an effort to make sure she’s comfortable and that’s she’s eating well. It’s good to know he still cares, but wonders if it’s because Lev isn’t here.

\---

She’s sitting in Lev’s room, helping him with his kanji. It’s been a few weeks and she’s here more often because her mom probably won’t leave them alone if they study at her house. But this is the first time they’ve been alone. His dad is on a trip to Kyoto while his mom is in Russia with family. It’s quiet except for the small noises coming from her fingers texting Shouyou about how to deal with Kageyama.

He’s been making small passes at her lately, like “accidentally” brushing his hand on hers or putting a hand on her shoulder during practice matches while he’s on the bench acting like he’s paying attention to her writing. It embarrasses her, but it's not too bad. He walks her home, pays for her drinks and helps her out more than he really needs to. Kuroo is still with Mei and still somewhat ignoring her. The tournament is coming up, so there has been even less time to work things out and only time to argue about who should play and which teams need which strategies used on them.

Lev looks up at her, “Senpai,” she looks up and his face is really close to hers. He’s moving a stray piece of hair out from her face, and cupping it with the other, leaning in, eyes closing. Her eyes are wide, still a shocked, even though she’s been expecting this ever since he started carrying around Chap Stick. It’s soft and slow, exactly how she expected her first kiss to be. She’s getting tingly in inappropriate places, and even though it’s not Kuroo, at least it’s with some who is not a total asshole.

He pulls back, “I’m sorry, I should have asked first!”

Kenma shakes her head, “It was nice.” She knows she’ll be leading him on if she does tries to kiss him again, but she liked the first one, so why wouldn’t she go in for seconds? This one is deeper than the first, and Lev is licking her lips, asking for entrance. Giving it to him, she has no idea what to do with her tongue, and follows his lead. Lev is lifting her up to the bed, pressing her back to the mattress, kissing her again. She’s pressing up to his body, which is just as hot as hers. Eyes go wide again when she feels something poking her thigh and it’s huge. It’s his libido, she knows it, but it still kind of freaks her out.

She forgets about it when he pulls away and is kissing her neck, finding a sensitive part she didn’t know existed. Moaning, she’s unbuttoning her school blouse. It’s too damn hot right now for it anyway. She’s tired of waking up hot and bothered about Kuroo, tired of thinking of Mei having something she wants. Lev clearly wants this and it’s enough justification to keep going at the moment.

Lev’s shirt comes off and his stomach is nicely toned. With his current training, it’ll only get better. He glances down at her breast, as though he’s asking for permission. Nodding, she gives it to him, a little curious of what he’ll think. The bra is dainty, thin material that he’s able to push aside and he moans looking at them. Experimentally, he gropes one, and decides to lightly suck on the other. Circling his tongue around her nipple, he lightly bites it causing her to moan loudly. Lev’s cock twitches against her thigh and he does it again, and now she’s pretty sure he could get off on her voice if she tried.

He's unzipping his pants, probably to release tension. Shyly rubs her hand against it and he’s gasping, bucking up. It’s so big and she's not sure she'd be able to take it. She pushes him to sit, legs spread. Crawling in-between them, she keeps rubbing her hand against him and kissing him. He’s grinding against her hand and pushes it away. Grabbing her, he brings her onto his lap, lifting her skirt, fingers grazing her pussy over her panties.

“It’s so fucking wet, Kenma. You’re so cute," he moans out. Kenma’s embarrassed because she knows she overheard him say he’s a virgin to Yamamoto, but she wants to know where that perverted mouth came from and where cute, innocent Lev went.

Anymore thoughts are cut off by Lev starting to grind against her. She’s grinding back, desperate to get off.

“Wanna fuck you, make you scream my name. Wanna make you mine,” There’s a smirk on his face that he’s clearly learned from Kuroo and she’s kissing him to make it go away. Thighs trembling, she feels herself coming and she grinds through it. Lev follows a minute behind her.

They’re both panting, and Kenma refuses to look directly at him. Lev tries to kiss her, but she pulls back. “I have to go, it’s almost 9, and I have curfew at 9:30.” It isn’t a lie, but the awkwardness of what just happened makes her want to leave

“Let me change my pants and I’ll walk you,” Kenma scoots off of him and watches him dig around a drawer, looking for clean underwear. Once he’s out of the room to change, Kenma feels uncomfortable in her dirty underwear. 

It a quiet walk until Lev stops her half way there. She can’t look him in the eyes as he stares her down, but she can never do that anyone anyway.

“I really like you, Kenma,” he’s sincere. Biting her lips, she’s never had to reject someone so she tries to give it her best go, but she doesn’t get the chance. Continuing on, “but I don't think you like me as much. I didn’t think you’d let me get that far tonight, but I’m really glad it happened. I really hope you get over who you like so someone else can make you happy. Until then, I don’t think we should go any further together.”

Kenma nods, “I understand. You deserve a lot better than me, Lev.” Alone, she heads home.

It’s nice to feel wanted, but Lev will always find someone else. Lev maybe a dumbass at times, but he understood her. Maybe she just lucked out on that aspect too.

A week of getting rid of the awkwardness with Lev was all it took before he was back to his goofy self.

\---

There’s a small tapping on her window, opening it, she looks out to see the biggest dumbass of her fantasies: Kuroo Tetsurou. 

“Can I climb up,” he mouths and she looks out her door to see all the lights turned off. Turning on some light music, she goes back to the window and gives him a thumbs up. They’ve done this ever since her mom stopped letting him stay over and have yet to get caught.

Once he’s in, he closes the window and sits next to her on the floor. “I’m really fucking sorry Kenma. I fucked up our friendship,” he starts petting her hair, “the roots are coming in badly, aren’t you keeping up with them? You look like a pudding head.”

“You dick. I haven’t had the time and it’s a hassle. You really fucked me over Kuroo. I feel fucking rejected by my own friend. It’s like I never existed, you never make time for me anymore like you did with the others.”

Kuroo’s hugging her, “I’m really sorry. Really fucking sorry. You're so mad and you're actually confronting me which is more proof I'm an asshole. If it makes you feel any better, the sex is horrible. Her grip is too hard and it makes my dick hurt each time.”

“You deserve that,” she glares, “Why are you still with her?

“She’s rad, Kenma. I feel happy I have someone else to talk about the weird shit I like and who likes it too.”

“Whatever makes you happy then.” She’s crawling into bed, “now get out of my house.” There’s no point in telling him anything now.

Their friendship isn’t exactly the same anymore and neither are Kenma’s feelings. Things turn worse due to only getting to best eight in the next tournament. They’re all upset and he doesn’t even vent to her anymore about what they could have done better. If he didn’t want to be near her, then fuck him or at least that’s what she made herself believe. In the back of her mind, she still wants him, no matter how bad he hurts her, but even if that never happens, she still wants his friendship. 

\---

Ever since her fling with Lev, she’s been noticing a lot more people, imagining what they're into, if she could see herself with them intimately. While it’d be ideal to let Kuroo take her virginity, she knows she deserves better. Everyone says your first time should be special, but she’s heard enough from the girls in her class that it’s a bunch of bullshit. It hurts, there’s some blood apparently, and she shouldn’t expect much. But it should at least be with someone she likes as a person and will hopefully never see again if he's that terrible.

Problem is, the picking is slime. Karasuno has some attractive guys, but she’s pretty the captain and vice-captain are gay for each other. Shouyou is too overly hyper and looks like he’s in grade school, same goes for their libero. Kageyama is fucking creepy, blondie looks like he thinks he's too good for anyone and his friend is too innocent. The ace looks like he’d cry during and Tanaka reminds him too much of Yamamoto that it freaks her out. Shinzen’s broccoli head once made a pass at her, but Yamamoto scared him off and the rest of his team. Fukurodani has suitable candidates, but they're a Tokyo team and have way too many practice matches with Nekoma for her to want to risk it. Ubugawa is her last choice, but has a few attractive players (minus fish lips, call her shallow, but she’d rather he be cute).

She’s praying one will just try to hit on her instead so shy won’t have to actually try, but it doesn’t really work. Turns out, you have to actually show attraction to someone you barely know for them to understand you want them to bang you. However, what does work is the AC breaking down. Its summer and it’s hot as hell, so instead of wearing her manager track suit she switches it for some shorts and a t-shirt. Admittedly, they’re a lot shorter than she prefers, but that's what she gets when doesn't actually try on clothing before she pays for them. 

She can deal with occasional stare because she barely notices them, too busy thinking of other teams weak points to care. Yamamoto apparently has to start guarding her, but she lightly smacks him, “I’m fine. I don’t need your protection.” He doesn’t really lay off, but he lets her go do the laundry.

She’s washing jerseys when Bokuto comes in, stripping off his shirt along with his jersey.

“Which is our laundry, pudding-chan” he asks, as sweat drips down his face on to his very nice chest.

“Please don’t give me nicknames,” she mumbles, blushing as she fumbles with a few more jerseys. He’s attractive and he’s eyeing her while shirtless. The guy is basically one of Kuroo’s best friends. Fucking great. “Your manager already finished them so I can put it in with mine.”

Dumping his jersey in her pile, he crouches down to her level. He raises her chin and looks her in the eyes, he’s always been bold and pushing limits, even though she’s positive Kuroo mentioned how shy and anxious she get can be. “Thanks pudding-chan.” He lets go when he hears footsteps near the door.

“Kenma,” it’s Kuroo and Bokuto stands up, winking at her, “Bokuto, why are you shirtless. That’s fucking weird. You’re probably scaring my manager.”

“Kenma just offered to do my laundry, that’s all. Well, I’m going to go change.”

They watch him go and Kenma finishes separating reds from the colors, “Hand me your jersey so I can wash it.”

“It’s time for dinner,” She puts his jersey in with the load she’s and starts the machine. “I don’t think you should wear those shorts anymore. People are starting to say some gross shit.”

“You're over reacting,” Kuroo rolls his eyes at that and Yaku is coming in, calling her for dinner while Kuroo goes.

Escorting her, Yaku warns her, “Kenma, those shorts are nice and all, but there are some creepy guys here that Kuroo is two seconds from punching." 

Kenma’s eyes are wide the whole way toward the dining area. She sits with Kuroo, passing him everything she doesn’t like, but he does. “Thank you for defending me from the creeps.”

"Burn those shorts."

"No."

\---

Bokuto’s shirt and jersey are nicely folded when the laundry is done. Not being able to find either of Fukurodani's managers, she decides to take it to him herself. She’s searching all over for him before finds him outside Nekoma’s portion of the train camp dorm.

“Pudding-chan, are those my clothes?” she lets out a small noise to confirm. He takes them from her, “Thanks, cutie.” She still in her shorts, legs getting slightly cold from the breeze. “You’ve really grown a lot since your first year. You’re so brave taking these to me, when last year you couldn’t even talk to me. Did you know I’ve been waiting to see you here? Kuroo refused to give me your number, or let me hang out when you’re with him.”

“Didn’t you see me at practice matches,” she mumbles.

He laughs, “Still couldn’t get you alone or to even notice me with Kuroo watching me. He thinks we'd be a bad fit. I figured it's just because he liked you.”

“Pretty sure Kuroo has never liked me in any way outside our friendship.” That’s all it takes for Bokuto throw the clothes to the floor and wrap his arms around her waist, pulling her close. “I just washed those,” she says, as he’s leaning forward. Her lips meet him half way.

Pulling back she groans, “Wait, have you been waiting a year just to get in my pants? That’s so creepy.”

“Not what I meant.”

"I'm pretty sure that's exactly what you meant."

"No, I want take you on a date. If that leads to anything more, then yeah, that'd be nice too." 

Sucking hard into her neck, it’s going to leave a large mark in the morning. His thigh is rubbing against her, rough against the denim and the stimulation is all too much. Experience shows, as he’s doing amazing things that leave her wanting more. A hand gropes her ass through her shorts, making her moan, trying to get closer. She actually whines when pulls away.

"Oh shit."

Pulling back, she whines again and he laughs at her, “So cute." He kisses her again, sweetly, “Get some sleep, kitten.” And he leaves her to head back to the manager's corridor. 

"What the fuck just happened?"

 


	2. Hideaway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hideaway - Kiesza

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have bad, awkward porn. not properly checked and subject to change

There’s a nice hickey on her neck when she wakes up. It’s a splotchy reddish brown and pretty big. She’s trying to cover it up with make-up when Shinzen’s manager catches her.

“You should start with concealer first,” she’s pulling out her make-up bag, “Use this green one to offset the color then cover it with your normal foundation and blend it in. This powder should last you through the heat. If this doesn’t work, you can curl your hair and blame it on that.” She’s pulling down her own shirt to show a trail of hickeys from her collarbone downward. “Next time, you should ask your partner to hide them.”

“Oh, um, thank you.”

\---

The hickey is covered up well for the most part. Today, they’re practicing against Fukurodani and she’s paying extra attention to their ace. Kuroo is able to stop most of his spikes, but just a few get through. Nekoma is waiting for Bokuto to have a mood swing and dominate the last ten points. Lev is sitting next to her, watching her.

“What’s on your neck?”

“Burned myself with a curling iron,” the heat is a bitch today and the fans aren’t really helping to stop from sweating.

“Do you want a burn cream?” She can’t believe he’s actually buying it.

“No, it’s fine. I’m going to the restroom.” In the bathroom, she’s taking out the crème foundation another manager lent her and rubbing it in. Staring at her reflection, she feels weird. Before this year, no one ever paid attention to her, she’s never had a hickey or ever felt like a total horny school girl. There’s guilt for wanting to do something 94% of the world is having at this second, since she’s suddenly considering having sex with a person she barely knows. 

\---

It’s awkward to ask a stranger about sex, but Kenma is basically still a novice to it and doesn’t consider forums online to be a huge help. But Kurobe, who helped her earlier, clearly has experience. Fidgeting, she approaches her senior while they’re washing dishes. “Um, Kurobe-san? Can I talk to you?”

“Is it about sex?” she asks nonchalantly.

Kenma chokes on her own spit, “Y-yeah.” How did she know?      

“I could tell since you had no idea how to handle that nice hickey and your demeanor screams inexperienced virgin.” Okay, she’s pretty blunt. She dries the last dish, “Let’s go to the laundry room. No one comes in there after dinner since we finished everything.” Kenma isn’t surprised she knows that.

In the laundry room, Kurobe closes the door and is sitting on top of one of the washers. “I’m guessing I was right when I said you were a virgin, but you have some experience, right?” Kenma nods. “Well, what’s up?”

Taking a deep breath, Kenma speaks quietly, “I don’t have a lot of experience, but I feel so frustrated and I keep having all these urges and is it promiscuous of me to want to have sex with someone who I barely know?”

Clicking her tongue, Kurobe bluntly says, “So you’re worried you’re acting slutty for wanting to have sex? Let me tell you something, do you call boys sluts who have a shit ton of sex? No. They’re players. Being a slut is just a people’s way of trying to bring you down for getting what you want. If you want to have sex on your terms, do it. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

“But how do I know if I’m ready? What if I regret it or who I do it with?” she demands, surprising herself.

Kurobe is actually giggling, “You’re obviously not ready mentally if you’re asking me these questions.  Gimme your number, I’ll text you some sites that I wish I had. Do you trust that guy? I mean you barely know him. Give it time and you’ll know he’s the right one,” winking she adds, “Plus you don’t need to penetrate to get off, honey.”

Her face is probably as red as a tomato when she hands her phone over.  

“Hey, don’t be so scared. You were right in asking! If you ever feel nervous or have any questions, text me. If you can’t already tell, I’m an open book. Call me the sex guru!”

“I don’t think that’s going to catch on.”

\---

Filling up water bottles outside, Kenma doesn’t hear Bokuto sneak up on her until he’s lightly pinching her hips. Jumping up, scared for a second, she’s close to almost dumping water on him. It’s the last day of this camp session before the summer one in two weeks and Bokuto hasn’t said a word to her before today.

His smile is playful, “Pudding-chan! Have you been watching my games? Did you see me blow your blockers away?”

“I’m starting to think you don’t know my name. I saw Kuroo kill a lot of them.”

“Kozume Kenma, you know I still blew past him. You watched me, even when we rotated,” his playful grin is now a full on smirk. “I want to take you out, do something fun before the next camp.”

She’s still filling up water bottles again, “…To where?”

“Akaashi is ditching me for a week to go see his grandma in Akita, but we had plans to stay a few days at Disneyland. You should join me instead.”

Is this what he was talking about when he said "a date?” Taking her to an antisocial person’s worst nightmare? Not to mention Kuroo would probably be pissed if he found out judging by how hard he kept him away from her in the past. “Do you expect me to pay a lot of money just to stay with you at some kid infested amusement park?”

Taking a bottle of water, he drinks and slurs, “Don’t worry about money or people. Don’t worry about anything really, I’ll have it all covered. So will you come with me?”

“That's an expensive date.” Suddenly, she’s being lifted up and spun, water sloshing everywhere from the bottle she’s carrying.

“We’re going to have such a great time, Pudding-chan!” He’s genuinely happy and it makes her heart beat increase. 

“Put me down, please…” And that’s how Tsukishima and Akaashi catch them.

Confused, Tsukishima says that Kuroo’s looking for Kenma and she’s let down, collecting her things and heading toward the gym. Barely, she hears Akaashi say, “Kuroo’s going to kick your ass.”

\---

Kenma was secretly hoping that when she asked permission to stay the night (she agreed to only one night because she hates amusement parks) at Disneyland with a guy her parents haven’t even met, they’d say no and stick to it. But her dad actually trusts her and convinces her mom mid “you’re gonna get pregnant like those American girls” rampage that he trusts her judgment. She’s now so convinced that Kenma is ready for this date after that talk and even forces Kenma to let her dye her roots. A large part of her doesn’t want to go because of all the people, but Bokuto already had everything set up, plus he seemed really happy when she said her parents were okay with it. Huge crowds make her nervous, but he promised she’d be okay and is hopeful he’ll keep it.

Bokuto is checking in and there are kids running around everywhere. They’re laughing and running toward visiting Disney characters for pictures. It brings back memories when she and Kuroo went when they were 9 and Kenma cried while Goofy hugged her. Kuroo punched Goofy after and they were rushed away by his mom so fast that she could have sworn they made it to the other side of the park. It’s one her favorite memories.

Snapping back to reality, Bokuto is motioning her to come to the elevator. Their room is on the top floor and looks expensive based on its decor. There’s a complete living room, dining room and kitchen. Their bedroom has a king sized bed and a balcony.

Amazed, she ponders, “How could you afford all this? This room has to be at least five hundred a night.”

“My dad does things for important people. Let’s just leave it at that.” She’d rather not question him anyway. Kenma wants to unpack a little, but Bokuto stops her. “Let’s worry about this later and go have some fun! I paid extra for an unlimited Fast Pass!” Pulling her out the door, toward the park, they head straight for the Tower of Terror.

Her eyes are bulging out of her skull while they’re in line. “I’m going to die,” she whimpers playing a game of 2048 that maybe her last.

Bokuto plucks her phone out of her hands, shoving it in his pocket, “No phones, only fun besides you won’t die! Look, Akaashi told me you’d probably hate places like these, so I figure if we ride the scariest thing here, you’ll have faced the worst and the rest will be cake!” Gently taking her hand, he laces their fingers together. “I’ll hold your hand through everything,” laughing, he kisses her forehead, “I’ll even let you vomit on me!”

“It was sweet until you said that,” she mumbles as the line moves faster and soon Bokuto is buckling her in because she’s mentally freaking out. She’s clutching his hand and they’re ascending upward while a scary, preprogramed voice is speaking. Eyes closed, the whole time, she opens them when they’re at the top. The whole park is in view and they fall. Her grip on Bokuto’s hand is tight and she can hear him laughing, but fear is rushing through her that she can’t even scream. It’s finally over and she lets go while Bokuto is unbuckling her, then walking her outside.

“Kenma, I think you almost broke my hand!” He starts to wiggle his fingers, “That wasn’t so bad! You didn’t die! I’d say that’s a good sign,” he’s grabbing her hand again, lightly brushing hair out of her face with the other, “Do you think you can go on more rides because we can go back. It’s all up to you.”

It’s a considerate gesture and she’s glad he’s thinking of her, but Kenma refuses to allow herself to disappoint him by being a wimp. “I can go on more...”

Overjoyed, Bokuto hugs her. “You’re so brave, pudding-chan! Look, our pictures are up!” Pointing at their photo, Bokuto has a huge smile on his face, happy while Kenma is clutching his hand, eyes closed, looking down. “We should buy that one to commemorate you fighting your fears.”

“No.”

\---

Ride after ride, Bokuto doesn’t slow down until they’re at a store, looking for hats because that’s what people do at Disneyland. Together, they decide to be cliché and buy a set of Mickey and Minnie Mouse ears. They look like the couple who failed at coordinating. After taking a small lunch break (Bokuto got them a huge ass bowl of spaghetti and Kenma saw right through that), they’re back at it again. Kenma is pretty sure Bokuto’s hand has to be broken or at least sprained by now. She’s held his hand through most rides, even through It’s a Small World, but in her defense, he was gripping hers just as hard in that one.

Pointing to a restroom, Kenma tells him she’ll be back. Coming out and looking around, she doesn’t see Bokuto where he last was. People are coming from all sides and it feels like all eyes are on her. The poor lost girl her date probably ditched, they must think. A man accidentally shoves her and another one eyes her up and down. Frightened, her heart is racing, and it’s already dark, she’ll never find him now without a phone. A panic attack in public will only cause her to stand out, she says in her mind, but a tear threatens to spill. Digging her nails into her skin, she tries to stop.

Two seconds later, Bokuto is in front of her, “Sorry Kenma, some guy was asking me where Space Mount…What’s wrong?” He starts wiping a stray tear, “Let’s go back, yeah?”

“Yeah,” she agrees.

He’s kneeling in front of her. “I’ll carry you.” He’s looking back and grinning. Timidly, she allows him to give her a piggyback ride, but hides her face in his neck.

They’re finally back in their suite and he lets her down on the bed. “Did you have fun? We can go home tomorrow morning if you want. The trains are going to stop running by the time we get out of here.”

“No, let’s stay the whole day tomorrow too. I had fun,” she whispers. Her face is in her phone after he returns it, there are texts from Kuroo, but she doesn’t feel like answering them. They consist of “where are you?” “your mom says you went to Disneyland? With who?” and the last one does it, “You went with Bokuto to disneyland and didn’t tell me?” Oops.

“Kenma,” glancing at him, he starts pressing her down on the bed, pushing her arms above her head. “It’s rude to be on your phone on a date.” They’re lips are barely grazing before he decides to close off the distance.

She manages to release her hands and threads one in his hair while the other clutching the back of shirt. Bokuto is in complete control and heads down to her neck, where the last hickey he left is almost faded.

“I should leave you another, but I can tell you won’t show them off like I want.” One of his hands starts rubbing her crotch through her jeans, pressing teasingly with little pressure. The other is at the hem of her shirt, “Can I take this off?” Kenma nods, shyly. The other hand move to her zipper. “And this too?” Again, she nods.

She helps him with her shirt, but he’s pulling down her jeans slowly, and she hopes he doesn’t comment on the fact she purposefully wore matching underwear for today.

“You matched! Did you know I was going to do this? How cute!” Guess hope can only get you so far.

“…You’re still clothed.”

“Ohoho, you want them off? Then take them off.”

Boldly, she reaches upward and takes off his shirt. Shirtless men barely faze her anymore since becoming a manager, but he’s cut right in all the places that count thanks to years of working out and volleyball. Running her hands over his chest becomes a turn on she never thought she would have.

“Go lower, babe,” he smirks as he takes a hand and puts it right on top of his crotch. Feeling through his jeans, she lightly starts to move her hand, feeling it start to harden more. She brings in the other hand and removes his jeans half way before he has to help. Through his boxers, she can tell it’s going to be a sight to see.

Lifting her torso, he unclamps her bra and pulls it off. His tongue circles one of her nipples, biting and tugging then kissing it as though to apologize for being rough and sucking the skin around it, leaving small blotches that will only get bigger. A hand slips below her underwear and she’s gasping as he starts to gently touch her clit, going lower, until he’s slipping in a finger. It’s a lot of stimulation that’s leaving her to whimper pathetically.

It’s weird having someone else finger her instead of just doing it herself. He’s still a stranger, but she feels her legs open up for more, and he seems to get the message by leaving hot. Open mouth kisses trailing downward until his lips are mouthing at her still clothed clit.

He pushes her underwear aside and adds another finger. “Shit, fucking shit,” she moans out as he starts to eat her out. It’s a whole new sensation that she can’t get enough of. Every flick of his tongue takes her that much closer to finishing, but he pulls off as she has probably one of the best orgasms in her young life. Looking at her, she probably looks totally wrecked.

“God, you’re so fucking cute.” Moving off the bed, he’s walking toward his duffle bag. Kenma peers out and unconsciously closes her legs, thighs clenching hard. It’s a condom. In retrospect, everything they’ve done is considered sex, but penetration still scares her. Just from the outline of his boxers, his cock looks thick. He’s next to the bed, removing them and fuck, it is thick and pretty long. She’s biting her lip. Kenma has never seen an actual dick outside of porn except for the time she saw Kuroo’s when they were 10 when his swim trunks fell off in the pool, but that doesn’t count. It’s gonna hurt and no one the websites Kurobe sent over could prepare her for the real thing.

“Oh my God, is that going in me?” Kenma doesn’t realize she said that out loud and Bokuto is laughing.

“That’s the plan, yeah.”

Her thighs clench harder and she’s shaking her head. “No, I don’t want to.” Sitting up, she’s pulling her legs toward her body, wrapping her arms around them, head in them. “I’m not ready for that.” She’s back to being timid again.

The bed shifts and strong arms wrap around her. “Then we won’t.”

Kenma lifts her head up, “Can we…can we still do everything else?” 

Grinning, Bokuto kisses her. “Do you want to try something new?” Kenma nods. “Alright gimme your hand.” Oh.

He guides her hand down to his dick, which is at half-mast now. Getting the gist, she grips it lightly and tries to copy what she’s learned from porn. It feels soft and she has no idea what to do with the foreskin until it starts to come up when she brings it down by accident. It’s almost fully hard and she can see little beads of pre-cum starting to form at the head. He’s groaning and puts his hand over hers, guiding it, showing her how he gets off. Taking a deep breath, she moves her head downward and gives a small lick to the head. He moans giving her a little more confidence as she decides to take the head in her mouth, sucking lightly.

“Oh fuck! Babe, keeping doing that,” he groans, “move your hand, just like that baby girl.” He has her jerk him faster and pulls her head off, coming all over her fist. “Fuck, I feel like I’m 13 again.”

Tired, Kenma stops listening to him as he starts to get a little dejected by how fast he finished. Picking up her undergarments, she heads to the bathroom to clean up. Washing her face, she looks into the mirror. Her lips are swollen, hair is a mess and the hickeys on her tits are huge. This is all from an ace ranked fifth in the nation who gets easily depressed for five minutes during games. Physically, she’s satisfied, emotionally, she’s confused. He likes her and she’s starting to like him, but something is missing. Rubbing her eyes, she heads back to the bedroom to see Bokuto under the sheets messing with his phone.

“Kuroo texted me. Said your mom blabbed to him that we’re here and now he’s taking Mei to Disneyland tomorrow to meet up with us.”

Fan-fucking-tastic.


	3. Night Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Night Sky - CHVRCHES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "gee, sweetie, what'd you do today?"  
> "studied a tokyo disneyland map."  
> "why?"  
> "reasons." continues to write shit. 
> 
>  
> 
> Aiming for about 7 chapters.

It’s common knowledge Kenma likes to sleep in late, but her skin feels grungy from being out all day in the summer heat and the sex. Plus, feeling Bokuto’s morning wood poking her basically forces her out of bed and into the shower. There’s no way she wants to mess with that this early in the morning and he’s still sleeping anyway. But what now? She doesn’t consider them to be together because he hasn’t asked, but everything they’ve done is what couples normally do. They go to Disneyland, buy couple hats, hold hands and have sex. Does she even want to be with him? He’s nice, calls her “babe,” but he's so fast pace. Not to mention it seems that he’s thought of her for a year which is still on the little bit creepy scale in her book, but it’s Bokuto. When he has a goal in mind, he does it and that’s pretty admirable. She decides that she probably wouldn’t say yes to him, considering Kuroo kept him away for a reason.

Clean and dressed, she’s blow drying her hair when Bokuto comes in. He goes in for a kiss, but Kenma can smell his morning breath and moves her head away.

“Brush your teeth,” she pouts.

“Rude.” He starts to mess with the shower, trying to get the temperature right before stripping. Her eyes wander downward and decides that flaccid penises are fucking weird.

It feels like she’s already spent half of her day waiting on Bokuto to get ready while she plays multiple levels of Tetris. He uses a ridiculous amount of gel to get his hair up how he likes it and she’s surprised she didn’t feel a crunch last night. Apparently, his gel is 30 dollars a bottle which is dedication.

Mid-game, she gets a message from Kuroo.

_10:30 From Kuroo_

_I’ll be there at twelve. Meet us at the front entrance._

Coming out, finally ready, Bokuto takes her phone away. She adds that on the list of why she might say no if he ever asks her out.

_10:32 From Kenma_

_hohoho nope._

_10:34 From Kuroo_

_Bokuto you fucking asshole, give Kenma her phone back_

_10:35 From Kenma_

_Oh hoho_

Kenma takes away her phone. “Why aren't we meeting up with him?”

“In a sense, we will be. We’re going to play a game. After every ride, we’ll send him a picture,” he begins to explain, “And any huge landmark we’re near, another picture. It’s not like we’ll be in any place too long, so he won't catch us. Plus, he deserves it for keeping me away from you.”

“Did he have a legitimate reason,” she’s genuinely curious at this point.

“Some shit about how he sees you as a sister I can’t touch because it’d be weird.”

It’s depressing, but at least she knows where she stands in his mind. They’d never work out even if she did ever confess. No one wants to date anyone they consider a “sister.” It’s 11:30 when they finally make it to the park after breakfast. Bokuto has her standing in front of the main entrance sign and asks her to hold up her middle finger, but she opts out for a victory sign to not risk getting told off by parents.

_From Kuroo_

_Fucking assholes!_

Photos range from Bokuto doing outrages poses with Disney characters (some of which include bowing down to Mickey Mouse, pretending to stab Winnie the Pooh, and fist fighting with Cinderella) to Kenma taking disinterested selfies after the ride is over. Each time, Kuroo is responding with an insult.

They’re in Critter Country waiting for Splash Mountain when Bokuto pulls her down. “Shit! Shit! Shit!” He earned a few dirty looks from parents for that. “We have to hide.”

Kenma looks over to see Mei and Kuroo. “I told you taking that picture with Donald was risky! I mean he’s literally right across from the ride!” She actually scared to get caught and it’s exciting all at once. People are staring at them and Bokuto asks a group of middle school kids to cover them until they’re safely concealed by the walls of the ride. From her position, she can see Kuroo visibly looking around for them and Mei looks like she’s getting impatient. It looks like impatience wins and she’s dragging him toward a shop. “I think we’re safe for now, but what happens after we get off the ride?”

“We run!” He’s laughing like it’s so easy. And it is for him, but she doesn't have the stamina to do that.

“We have to face him eventually. Whether it’s at the summer camp or he comes over, we’re going to get in trouble.”

“But today is not that day, babe!” There it is again, "babe." It’s cute, but it doesn’t feel right either.

It’s finally their turn and she ends up in front. One would think that Splash Mountain would be a fun ride, but the animals make it so creepy and she’s not too fond of all the water splashing her. At the top of the ride her heartbeat increases because she can see the people below. She can see Kuroo and he’s locking eyes with her and then they fall. By the time it’s over, she’s soaked and Bokuto is pulling her toward the people waiting in line.

“Time to run!” 

They’re pushing past people and jumping over the line. She’s following Bokuto, but has no idea where he’s headed. It’s so hard to keep up because she doesn't want to trip over a little kids or shove people either and she barely manages to run because her clothes are so heavy from the water. They finally end up in a shop in Toon Town. She’s wheezing, and he buys her a water bottle. She looks at his face and he’s grinning so wide that she’s bursting out into laughter and he does too. They’re both laughing like maniacs from the rush of not getting caught. 

He snaps a picture while she’s still grinning and sends it. “Fuck, your shirt is see through right now.”

“It’ll dry.” Both their phones vibrate. It’s a group text.

_From Kuroo_

_This isn’t funny._

_From Kenma_

_It kind of is._

_From Kuroo_

_I swear to fucking god I am going to find you and murder you both. Kenma put on another shirt!_

_From Bokuto_

_Don’t make promises you can’t keep! Pudding-chan looks really cute!!!_ (๑◕ฺ‿ฺ◕ฺ๑)

While they’re still in Toon Town, they snap a few quick photos of Bokuto with Disney characters before heading off to ride everything else as it gets late.

Looking for a safe spot to watch the World of Color, they keep their eyes open, adrenaline still pumping through their veins. They find a spot near Cinderella’s Castle where they’re covered by a shrub and people. The fireworks start and she’s in awe. It’s gorgeous and overwhelming all at once. For some reason she’s so fucking happy and her heart feels so full of emotion, but has no idea why. She can’t explains why, but she starts tearing up while watching the site above them. Bokuto must think she’s a crybaby by now, but this goes on her list of best experiences and she has no idea how to thank him. Once it’s over, they’re walking quietly for once until they reach the hotel to get their things and check out. Heading toward the shuttle, Bokuto stops them for a second.

“Pudding-chan, we never took a picture together!” He hands over his cell phone to a nearby employee. He puts a hand on her waist and smiles wide. The flash goes off and he gets his phone back. “You’re not smiling, but this is as good as we’ll get, isn’t it?”

When they’re waiting for the train, she’s scrunching her nose, “How do I get home? I don’t want to talk to Kuroo and we have the same stop.”

“I’ll take you home and deal with him if he bothers you, plus he’ll probably walk Mei home before he comes to us.”

“But where will you go after? The trains are going to stop running when we get there.”

“Taxis exist Kenma.”

It’s a long train ride home. The cart is full of people who are holding on to sleeping kids that probably had the times of their lives. She’s glad she can put herself in that category. Dozing off, she doesn’t realize she’s lying against him until they’re finally at her stop. Covered by the nightlife of drunk people and other people getting off the cart, they go unnoticed as they walk to her house, taking a longer route than necessary. It’s quiet and serene.

“Kenma, let’s go out.” And there it is.

They’re a block from her house and she could easily leave him, but that wouldn’t be fair. She already knows she’ll make a terrible girlfriend, but he’s made her happy. Is that enough of a reason to say yes? Lev took her out, tried to have sex with her, and complimented her, but for some reason, it feels different with Bokuto. She doesn’t like Lev the same way. It’s a new like, but it’s still not the same as what she feels for Kuroo. He’s been there for everything, knows her the best. And even though she's still just "like a sister," she can't stop pining. She’s decided. They cut through the back alley and are at her back gate.

Picking the ends of her hair, quietly she answers “Alright.”

That infamous grin is showing and two seconds later, she’s kissing her new boyfriend. It’s sweet and tender. Pulling away, she says, “If you’re quiet, you can spend the night and sneak out early in the morning.” Opening the gate, they go through the back door in the kitchen. Kenma quickly checks the house. Her parents room light is out and she has him follow her quickly and quietly. The stairs are creaky and they rush to her room when she hears their door open.

“Kenma?” It’s her mom’s voice, “Is that you?”

“Yeah,” she prays the fear in her voice isn’t obvious.

“Get to bed sweetie, it’s 2 AM! I wanna hear all about your trip in the morning.” The door closes again. After about five minutes, she checks to make sure the light is out. Locking her door, she plays light music.

“Fuck that was close,” Bokuto whispers.

Kenma strips out of her clothes, not really shy anymore considering he’s seen her naked and searches for something more comfortable. Bokuto is behind her, wrapping his arsms around her waist and starts kissing her neck before she can pull on a shirt. Forcing down a moan, she turns around and pushes him away. “My parents are literally  10 feet away,” she mumbles and shoves on a large shirt and nothing else. Turning on the fan and pulling her comforter off, he lays down and motions for her to follow. “You have to be gone by 7. My dad leaves for work at 6:30 and my mom is taking the day off so she won’t be up until like 8.” Bokuto sets his alarm for 6:50.

Tired, her eyes feel heavy, but Bokuto doesn’t let her fall asleep without a fight. Leaving small pecks on her lips, it’s distracting and soon small pecks turn into long kisses and long kisses becomes a full out make out session. She let's him dominate her until her eyes get heavier. It’s exhausting, but worth it until there are small rocks hitting her window. Ignoring them, they become insistent and she knows who it is. Bokuto pulls away, groaning, “What the fuck is that?”

Maybe it’s the exhaustion, but before she knows it, he’s opening the window and a tiny pebble hits him in the face. Kenma sees him flipping Kuroo off and shutting the window, locking it and closing the blinds. “Let’s go to sleep.”

\---

The alarm goes off and apparently Bokuto was already awake, looking intensely at his phone. “Kuroo wants to murder me and cut my dick off and make me eat it. He says I’m the embodiment of eczema. His insults aren’t really that great at 3 AM.” Grabbing his duffle bag, he kisses Kenma sweetly. “My parents are wondering where I’m at and I think your mom is up. Distract her and text me when it’s safe to leave.” Fuck. Kenma rushes to put on shorts and Bokuto kisses her again, longer this time. It’s embarrassing, having to do all this kissing, but it makes her feel so dizzy with longing that she doesn’t mind it too much in private. Heading to the kitchen, her mom is making breakfast.

“Kenma! You’re up early,” she’s so surprised, “Tell me all about the trip and that boy! I’m so excited to hear about it!” Quickly taking out her phone, she tells him to leave now.

Blushing, she starts to talk about how his dumbass took her on the Tower of Terror and made her ride every single ride. She leaves out the sexual parts, but tells her that he kissed her forehead, because that’s not a lie.

Her mother is beaming, “Kenma, you’re growing up so fast! I still can’t believe you went to Disneyland. It took us a month to convince you to go when you were 13 and even then all you did was sit out and play your Gameboy. I’m so proud of you honey.” She probably wouldn’t be so proud if she knew what she did, but she takes the compliment and heads up stairs for more sleep. It doesn’t last long because four hours later, someone is angrily shaking her awake.

 “Ugh, what the hell,” She peels her eyes open and its Kuroo. “If you hurt me, I’ll tell my mom.”

“She went out shopping and told me to wake you up,” he sneers. “What the fuck, Kenma. You went out on a date with that dumbass? He should literally be your last choice! I kept him away from you for a reason, Kenma!”

Angrily, she sits, up, pushing him off, “Okay, what reason is that? He’s nice, attractive and I actually like him.”

Shaking his head, he spit out, “He uses girls, Kenma. I’ve known him since middle school and all he does is fuck girls and leave them behind when he’s done. Yeah, he’s a cool guy, great person for the most part, but he’s a major dickwad to girls that it even surprises me and everyone he's ever known. He’s told me that he likes you differently, but I don’t believe him. Old habits die hard and he’ll spit you out too.”

Frowning, she feels like an idiot. There’s no reason for him to lie, he has no gain from it. He’s protected her since they were kids, so why he do so now? “But…I feel...felt... so happy. He made me really happy yesterday when he asked me out and… am I stupid?” The heartbreak is back. It’s only been a few hours and she’s already suffering.

Kuroo looks sad, “I didn’t want you to get heartbroken, but it’s too late isn’t it?”

At this point, she can’t even cry, “I… I gave him so much… I…We…I’m so fucking stupid.”

“Kenma, you didn’t…” He sits next to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. Kenma doesn’t want to look at him, she can already feel his disappointed stare. They sit in silence for a while before her phone starts ringing. It’s Bokuto. She can’t pick it up, at least not right now. Kuroo stays the whole day, hanging out in her room. It was nice, he didn't check his phone, even though it vibrated so many times. He was being the friend she needed for awhile now. 

“I’ll talk to him tomorrow, don’t worry about it.” Kenma is okay with that.


	4. begin again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> begin again - Purity Ring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, where have you been, ego?  
> Whale noises  
> What?  
> Continues whale noises.
> 
> Drunk girls are nice. Support drunk girls.
> 
> #outofcharacterkenma  
> #shitsnacks

\---

“Look, you can’t date Kenma,” Kuroo frowns looking at his friend on the ground after he had punched him.

Pulling himself up, Bokuto rubs his face, “Damn, bro, that hurt,” wiping dirt from his pants, he cracks his knuckles, “And I’m not breaking up with her. I actually like her and you’ve known that since I told you I wanted to ask her out.”

Rolling his eyes, Kuroo responds, “I told her about your reputation. Bokuto, you’re an asshat when it comes to relationships. You get so happy then go all the way, get dejected because all the fun is gone then break up. I can’t let you do that to Kenma.”

“So that’s why she’s ignoring me? First of all, fuck you, second I want this one to work. I’ve liked Kenma since I saw her walking around with you with her head down staring into her phone at our volleyball games. You kept her away and I’ve respected that man, figuring you liked her. But you haven’t done shit, so I took a shot.” He puts his hand on Kuroo’s shoulder, “She likes me back. Don’t ruin this for us. You have to let her decide who she wants to be with.”

“I’m protecting her from your ass. I know you, Bokuto, I know you far too well.”

Bokuto blinks, “You know I’m a great, fun guy. Kenma knows that too. You know I’ve fucked up. Kenma knows that now, but I won’t do that again! I’ll treat her well, I’ll make her happy. I already made her smile and took her Disneyland with me! How often does Kenma do that with people? She had to see something in me to agree to it and she even said yes when I asked her out!”

Rubbing his head, Kuroo knows Bokuto has a point. He wants Kenma to be happy and he wants to trust his best friend, but there’s no way he can bring himself to do it. At the same time, he knows it’s not right to make decisions for Kenma.

“Look, Kenma doesn’t even want to be near you. I think I’ve ruined it for you. If you magically get her to like you again, I won’t interfere. But I’ll cut your dick off and make you eat it if you ever hurt her in any possible way.”

With that, Kuroo takes his leave trying to figure out how he feels.

\---

Kenma has her nose in a book, studying and finishing her summer homework before the next camp session. She’s been sad, it’s obvious. Ignoring phone calls (messages, snapchats, emails all from him), sleeping more, eating less, she’s basically dying inside. Looking in the mirror, she notices her hair is longer. It's at her collarbones now, knotted in random places. Her eyes have dark circles despite how much sleep she’s been getting. Heading to her dresser, she pulls out a brush and tries to untangle her hair. Kuroo bursts in mid brush.

“Where have you been? It’s been like 3 days,” Kenma hisses after a particularly hard tug.

He’s silent for a bit, “I talked to Bokuto and he’s outside.”

Confused, Kenma ties her hair up, “Why would you bring him here?”

“I didn't, he was barely arriving when I got here. Look, I can’t change the fact he’s here. Do what you think is right. Either kick him out or invite him in.” He sits on her bed, turning on the television. “You have to hash this one out based on what I told you. I want you to do this for yourself.”

“God, I fucking hate you.” She heads down stairs. “Fuck it,” she thinks. Sucking up her fear, she opens the door.

He’s standing there with a bouquet of flowers, chocolate, and a giant ass bear.

“That’s a giant ass bear.”

“I named him Tiny. Look Kenma, I know why you’ve been ignoring me, but I swear I want to make this work. I really like you, and Kuroo was just worried. I’ve fucked up in the past, but you mean a lot to me.”

Biting her lip, she looks at the bear. It’s a fucking huge bear. “Why would you give me such a giant ass bear? Did you think I would want a bear so big?”

“Um, I thought it would show how much I want to be with you.”

“I don’t understand how you can say those things when you hardly know me,” she stares at the bear again, “That’s not going to fit in my room. But leave it in the living room.”

Confused, Bokuto looks at her, “does this mean we’re still together?”

Clicking her tongue, “I’ve had three days to think about whether you’d come back and you did. You still called every day and sent me snapchats I didn’t open. It made me sad to hear those things, and since they came from Kuroo, I know they’re true. But I also believe you when you say you want to be with me. I’m believing you when you say you’ll be different because I want to try and if doesn’t work out, it’s because of reasons that we agree on.”

Smiling, Bokuto is let in and she takes him upstairs.

Kuroo is watching Iron Chef, looking bored.  “I take it everything is okay.”

“Yeah,” Kenma says, “Everything is okay.”

“My best friends dating. Great.” But inside, he feels his heart crack a bit.

\---

He doesn’t understand Kenma’s thought process on why it would be a good idea to date Bokuto. He’s guessing its hormones or the fact that lust makes people do stupid shit. Worry rushes over him and he can barely focus on his own relationship which is a bit rocky. Mei is getting demanding lately, which he gets because he hasn’t exactly spent their break together before he has to go back to camp. So when he mentions a party a member from Fukurodani is throwing a party while his parents are in Kyoto, she immediately says they should go. So there he is, taking a shot with Mei and watching Bokuto laugh about something with Akaashi while Kenma is wrapped around his arm, safe.

One of Fuurodani’s managers, the one that eats everything, is pulling her toward the table of drinks and Bokuto is quick to follow and so is Kuroo, leaving Mei as she talks to a girl she just met.

“Kenmaaaaaaaa, you’re so pretty! You have to try a mixed drink, let me make it for you!” the manager, Reina, slurs, clearly a bit too drunk as she a bit wobbles in her heels. Pouring in a shot of Vodka into a cup and mixing it with juice, Reina hands it over. Kenma gives her a small nod and looks at Bokuto.

He takes it from her, taking a small sip, “This is good, but if you don’t want it, I’ll take it.”

Kuroo nods in agreement, “Those are the type of drinks that will screw you up in the end.”

“It’s just one drink,” Kenma reassures them and takes it back, nursing it. It’s sweet and she can see why Reina would keep drinking this.

Thanking her, Kenma turns her attention back to Akaashi and continues their conversation on how long it takes fanfic writers to actually update and then when they do they don’t know what they’re doing. After a bit, Reina comes up to her and notices her cup is empty and makes her another.

“This is your last drink,” Bokuto tells her and Kenma is fine with that.

Mei comes up behind Kuroo, clearly drunk, having pre-gamed before they left. “Oh my God! Kenma! You look so pretty! I love your hair and your dress is so cute!” She’s giggling and smiling as she hangs on to Kuroo.

Kuroo is supporting Mei as she takes another shot. For her weight, she has a pretty high alcohol tolerance, but even he can see she’s pushing it. “Mei, I think you should stop drinking.” To which she replied with laughter. Another manager from a team he doesn’t know comes up to her and chats with Mei about her hair and Kuroo isn’t pay attention anymore, staring at Kenma whose body is probably feeling buzzed from that one drink.

Her body sways to the music, finding a comfortable rhythm. She’s gorgeous, Kuroo knows it. But he doesn’t know why she’s in Bokuto’s arms. His best friend is a big fuck face.

\---

Kenma is feeling a pleasant buzz and feels her body loosening up, enjoying the music. Watching people who she barely knows, she’s comfortable because her team is also there. Yaku is busy teaching Lev how to play rage cage and Inuoka is hitting on girls while Kai is in deep conversation about politics people that he just met. There is a guy throwing up in the sink and she’s pretty sure that’s Yamamoto. But, she turns to Kuroo. Mei looks gone, and can barely stand. He’s guiding her to the bathroom and Kenma decides to follow.

“Is she okay?”

Kuroo gives a weak smile, “She needs to vomit and get it out of her system.” They’re in the bathroom and Mei falls to the floor holding the toilet bowl rim. Kenma grabs her hair and pulls it back as she throws up. Kuroo leaves to go get water.

After a particularly brutal hurl, Mei looks up at Kenma. “Kenma, I’m sorry I was sooooo mean to you. I’m just sooooo jealous because sometime I think Tetsu likes you more than me because you guys are so close and best friends,” she goes down and again and hurls, “Lately he's been ranting about you and that guy and it makes me sad," her head drops back down to vomit again, "I’m so sorry you have to see this!” She’s coughing and Kuroo is back with water.

He’s rubbing Mei’s back and has her nurse the water down. Kenma gives him a look and she’s just so confused. Mei gives her a grateful smile and Kenma leaves.

Bokuto is waiting for her outside. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah, she’s just so far gone. I think they’re going home,” Kenma doesn’t mention her words. She’s drunk. That’s all, she tells herself. “We should go.”

Bokuto takes her to his place, exhausted. He lives in a good part of Tokyo, which is surprising considering where he goes to school.

“What about your parents?” She asks as she takes off her shoes.

Bokuto leads her to his room, “Out for a business conference for a few days.”

His room is kind of mess and looks like he tried to clean but didn’t do a great job of it. Pulling the blankets away, she crawls into bed and crashes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mei was me this weekend. 
> 
> Vodka fucks you up and you start complimenting people and telling them they look good. Also, drinking is what I was doing on my hiatus with added family issues, school, work, internship and tears. 
> 
>  
> 
> there are errors because I am hungover.


	5. Radioactive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Radioactive - Marina and the Diamonds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I tell you to check out [Maggiebeeart](http://maggiebeeart.tumblr.com/)? Because you should. You all should. 
> 
> On another note, I've made a couple dialogue and grammar changes to earlier chapters. It's not much, but I like the way it flows better now just with those changes.

They’re a few days into the training camp and Kenma is already done with this shit. Constant laundry, cooking, cleaning and trying to not get hit in the face by a volleyball is not on her list of “things I’d like to be doing right now.” The only thing that she really likes about being here is having Shouyou here to make impossibly stupid jokes. Considering they barely talked during the first camp since it was so short, she’s enjoying his company. The blocker is a great person and makes her laugh, and there’s a comfort of being able to sit next to him during lunch and listen to him ramble on about how mean Kageyama is and she’s able to insult him, but make him feel slightly better by saying Lev is even worse.

He’s surprised she’s with Bokuto, “You could have told me, I thought we were best friends! I even told you about how I accidentally walked in on Kageyama doing the thing with Oikawa.”

“Oh, right, the thing.”

“Yeah, it was horrifying.”

After dinner, after everyone is done with extra training, taking baths, or getting ready for bed, Kenma and Bokuto like to sit in the air-conditioned laundry room and talk. They talk about their day, how their teams are progressing, who they should look out for, and who they think are dating (Kenma still thinks that Daichi and Sugawara are totally together while Bokuto can see the way Yamaguchi looks at Tsukishima). He’ll pull out his phone and show her his favorite bands’ music videos or a funny video a teammate sent him. When her eyelids start feeling heavy, they’ll walk a quarter of the way toward the classroom converted as the managers room. He’ll kiss her good night and head back to his team’s room.

Things with Kuroo are more or less fine. He’s busy trying to train Lev and get his team up to par banter considering she was throwing up her whole lunch. That doesn’t make things less weird in her mind, but she focuses more on learning about other teams to help her own.

“So, have you guys had sex yet?” Kurobe asks as they’re sorting out laundry.

Scrunching her face, she answers, “No, I want to wait it out.” She begins to explain about what happened the night they were at Disneyland while sorting out the whites from the colors. “I realized I wasn’t ready and I don’t think I will be anytime soon. It’s still too scary.”

Smiling, Kurobe puts down the clothing, “I’m happy for you,” Kenma feels arms wrap around her and it makes her feel warm inside.

\---

They have a bit of down time and Kuroo hands her a piece of watermelon, “How are you feeling?”

“Bored.”

“I mean about your relationship.”

“It’s fine. I mean being at a training camp isn’t exactly the most romantic setting, but I’m learning a lot about him. We’re going to watch Jurassic World after this is over. He says Chris Pratt is incredibly hot in it and that he can’t wait to see him.”

“But you’re happy, right?”

“For the most part, after all, it’s only been a week. I mean I get annoyed when he starts getting dejected during games or is overly loud and his over usage of emojis when we text,” she looks over at her boyfriend whose in a seed spitting contest with Shouyou, “He also does things like that, but they’re not deal breakers. This is all new and I never know if I’m getting to close or if I’m not close enough.”

“I really just don’t understand why you decided to date him. I’ve told you how he is, and that doesn’t change your mind?” They don’t have much more time to discuss this.

“I said yes because I wanted to experience what a relationship. I’m not saying I would have said yes to anyone, but took me to Disneyland and I had a lot of fun being with him and I wanted more of that. I like him, I want to get closer with him. I mean, what you said about him, the things he’s done, that scared me, but after he told me you punched him in the face and he still came back, maybe it was the hormones or some lovesick bullshit, but I figured that he’s trying hard and I should too. I’ve seen your relationships. I know how most of them end; after all, this is high school. He’s going to graduate and go off to college and that could be anywhere. If we end things, it’ll be on our terms, not yours.”

Their coaches are calling them in for more practice. Kenma takes Kuroo’s trash and he watches as Bokuto passes her and pats her head. Kenma has grown and is happy, but why isn’t he?

\---

They’re walking out of the theater, Bokuto mildly satisfied.

“That movie had so much advertising. The even had the kid say the name of car. Did you see all the cars were Mercedes!”

“I know, you kept pointing it all out,” she adds on, “I mean, for a dinosaur movie, it was pretty unrealistic. No woman can keep her high heels on and be able to run from dinosaurs in them.”

“The nostalgia was worth it though.”

“I guess,” her phone beeps, it’s a message from her mom, “It’s pretty late, my mom wants me heading back.”

“You’re mom will let you spend the night with me at Disneyland and my house alone, but not stay out past 11:30?”

“In her defense, I said I was staying at your manager’s house on that second part, but now that I’m dating, it’s different now in some weird way. If I could explain the workings of my mother’s brain it would take years.”

Continuing their way toward the station, Kenma feels a bit relieved to be going home on her own. They spent all the training camp together and in all reality, she kind of wants to revert back to sitting in her room trying to get all completes on a game after morning practice before the summer ends. Another part of her would enjoy sitting in comfortable silence, listening to Bokuto blabber on about how unnecessary Piper was this season on Orange is the New Black and how useless Ruby Rose kind of was, even if they are pretty hot, but he probably wouldn’t lose his shit over Ruby.

He pecks her goodbye when her train arrives and not even two seconds later, her phone buzzes with an “i miss u already” on the screen. She replies with an emoticon and enjoys the ride home.

\---

The first month into their relationship is filled with random spur of the moment dates (“Let’s go to the river!” “Bokuto, the closest river is an hour away” “River it is!”), and meeting Kenma’s parents (“They hate me!” “Probably” “KENMA I’M SO SORRY”), she thinks she’s getting used to being called someone’s girlfriend.

“I don’t really know how you tolerate him,” Akaashi tells her as they watch their teams play Nekoma vs Fukurodani laser tag. They both shot each other out because they both agree that they feel ridiculous when there are kids on their teams as well. “It’s not like he’s the most bearable person to be around.”

“I GOT YOU SUCKER,” Bokuto yells at an eight-year-old girl and is in turn shot by said girl’s older sister.

“You do it more than I do. He’s not a bad guy,” she says, watching Kuroo shoot down Bokuto as well, being joined by other members of his team. “Kuroo has finally accepted us being together.”

“WE’RE ON THE SAME TEAM, YOU TRAITORS!”

She sees Akaashi purse his lips, “Speaking of Kuroo, has he broken up with his girlfriend yet?”

“He never told me he wanted to end it with her.”

“He told me yesterday after we bumped into each other at the mall. He said he’s thinking about it since he can’t really commit to her anymore because of the stress of managing studying for exams and the spring tournament.”

“That’s upsetting. He really liked her.”

“People change, feelings change. Just because you like someone one day, doesn’t mean those feelings can’t change another.” 

She doesn’t argue with that logic.     

\---

Kuroo’s at her house, crashing on her bed while she does some last minute analysis on the team they’ll be facing at the preliminaries. Shouyou’s team already gotten to the representative preliminaries and they have to beat everyone in order for a spot at nationals to make their coach’s dream come true.

She says she hasn’t changed, but just four months of dating has made her more confident. He sitting up, scanning her room. It’s different now. More flowers that Bokuto gives almost every week that her mom is maintaining, the giant ass beat is in the corner and there’s a small mirror on her desk with make-up scattered in different places. Her wardrobe has changed from baggy shirts, school uniform and track pants to tighter fitting shirts, jeans and cute dresses. October is bringing on colder nights that lead to adorable oversized sweaters and impossibly tight leggings. She went shopping with Yaku and Hinata one weekend and ended up with five bags and only one of them contained a game she was praying for. Bokuto is buying her necklaces and bracelets that he’s never done for any of his previous girlfriends. He calls her every night, asks her about her day and tells her he misses her. It makes Kuroo kind of sick to his stomach. She’s still the same Kenma personality wise, just nicer style, he supposes.

“I broke up with Mei,” he says as she’s popping in another DVD of an opponent.

She turns around, “Really? How did she take it?”

“Badly. She threw off the necklace I got her and slapped me in the face.”

“I thought you really liked her. Last week you guys went hiking and you said it was awesome.”

“It was awesome for me, but she whined the whole way.”

“Are you okay?”

He sighs, “I suppose. We were close for awhile, but with volleyball, exams and general life, I couldn’t really keep up.”

“I see. Well, if you need me for support like you used to, I’m right here,” she smiles, turning back to her laptop.

“Thanks Kenma, I appreciate it.” But it’s not what he really wants to hear. “Are you guys fucking yet?”

She almost chokes on her spit. “What?”

“I mean, has he taken your virginity. You guys have been together for a while; I figured it would have happened considering his libido.”

“Well, virginity is a social construct, but in the way that you mean it, then no,” she turns again to face him, blushing, “I mean we do other things, but no, we haven’t done that.”

“Do you want to?” He knows he's being invasive at this point, but he needs to know. 

“I mean, eventually. Look, can we talk about this later, I really need to analysis this team’s defense if we plan on taking them on and winning this weekend.”

“Fine.” Before he lays back down he says, “Kenma, you know you still have me right? Like if you ever need me for anything, I'm here for you.”

“Of course I know that.”

“Okay,” and he crashes into Kenma’s pillow. It smells like apples and Bokuto’s cologne and a part of him is angry about that. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still in recovery, so writing has been hard, but a good gate for right now. Hopefully I can get this done before my summer is over and I have to start school again. Thank you to those who have been patiently waiting and who bookmarked this. You guys are wonderful. And thanks for all the Kudos because holy shit, wow.


	6. 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 9 - Willow, SZA

It’s a lazy Sunday afternoon and they’re hanging in Kuroo’s room when she tells him that the biggest news of their lives. Spring high is over, they lost to Karasuno who took the whole tournament and he’s done with entrance exams. She’s analyzing Karasuno for next year’s team, to leave notes for the team’s new manager so she can focus all of her time on studying next school year. Her hair is long now, back to its natural color after her mom forced her to dye because she was too lazy touch up her roots.

“I had sex.” It comes out so casually while she’s taking notes on Karasuno’s combo and Hinata’s defense. Like it’s not a big deal and Kuroo just sits there in shock.

It takes him about two minutes before he asks, “Are you okay?”

She looks up from the screen, pausing it, “I’m fine. Do you want details?”

He reluctantly nods. After he lost his, he told her almost every detail. From how it happened to where they were to what pair of boxers he was in.

There’s an evident blush on her face and she takes a deep breath then exhales, “Well my parents were out visiting my grandma yesterday, so he came over to keep me company since we hadn’t seen each other in a while. We were watching Netflix on my bed, and one thing lead to another and it just happened.”

“You didn’t feel pressure did you? Did it hurt? Are you sore? Do you need ice? Do you ice vaginas?” he has no idea how to react to this and a part of him is angry and jealous, but he can’t be an asshole right now.

“I didn’t feel pressured. I wanted to do it. He talked me through it, went slow and kept asking me if it hurt. It hurt for a couple of minutes and then I felt okay, then I felt great. There wasn’t any blood like I thought there would be,” she shifts in her seat, “I mean, I feel a little sore, but I don’t think I would ice it?”

Kuroo stares at his ceiling, “I can’t believe you lost your virginity to Bokuto. I honestly never thought this would happen until we’re in college.”

“Me neither, but here we are.” They sit in silence for a bit before she speaks up, “You know you’re my best friend and I’m happy I can tell you this.”

“I know and I’m glad we can have these talks, Kenma.” There’s more silence for fifteen minutes where he’s just absorbing the fact that this happened.

Typing up something, she speaks again, “He got into a good school out of Tokyo because of his volleyball skills. He’s going to be a part of the national team and he’s not going to have time for me. He said if things go well on the national team, he might get a professional contract.”

He stares at her for a bit, “It’s not the end of the world. He’s too dumb for you anyway.”

“That’s not the point, but he is pretty dumb,” she smiles, a little sad. “Is it selfish that I want him to stay?”

“No. It’s normal.”

They hang out for a few more hours until Kenma has to go because she’s meeting up with Bokuto for coffee. Kuroo doesn’t stop staring at the photo he has of them from when they were kids on his desk. 

\---

When she gets home, her mom tells her all the flowers have died.

\---

They’re having sex more often. To celebrate him passing exams, ignore important conversations of how they’re going to make things work when he’s gone, out of general boredom, and just wanting to be closer. It’s not all bad, but there are times when all she thinks about is what are they going to have for dinner. Other times she forgets her own name.

Bokuto’s room is comfortable. It’s messy, with clothes everywhere, volleyball trophies in random places and paper scattered about. They’re watching _Clueless_ because Bokuto says he relates to Cher in some weird way that she doesn’t understand. He points out every (amazing) outfit that Cher is wearing and tells her she would look cute in all of them before they’re kissing.

Kissing leads to groping. Groping leads to undressing and undressing leads oral. Oral leads to looking in his draw for a condom. It hurts less this time, with him asking if it feels good, if he’s being too rough and if she’s okay. They’re all answered with breathy moans of yes, no, I’m fine, until she comes with him coming soon after.

Kenma lays her head on his chest after cleaning up. Bokuto talks to her about stupid shit, like how Akaashi doesn’t think he’ll be a good captain (which he will) or that he can’t wait to start training with the national team.

\---

They fight more. About Kenma not being able to hang out more. The reality of actually having to get into a university and studying for a career is setting in. She’s studying more. Her dad put her in cram school. Applications need to be filled. The stress is evident and the start of third year is only a few weeks away. Harsh words are thrown. Apologies are made. They get over it. But it doesn't stop.

\---

Alcohol always leads to danger. They’re celebrating Nekoma’s and Fukurodani’s third years before some of them head off. While she’s moderately drunk, almost everyone else is practically trashed. Lev is vomiting in the sink, Akaashi is blabbering about Batman, Konoha is grinding on some random girl, and Yamamoto found a cat. None of them own a cat.

Bokuto lead her outside to avoid the chaos, so they could enjoy the view of the city. She can hear the Wonder Girls playing inside because Yaku is going through a k-pop phase and they’re swaying to the music. What she doesn’t expect is his words.

“I’ve been think about staying in Tokyo.”

Burrowing her eyebrows she asks, “But why? The other university is going to cover most of your costs. You’ll be on the same team as some of the best people in the nation.”

He kisses her forehead, “But you’re not there.”

“Don’t ignore a good opportunity for me. That school is better, you worked so hard and it’s paying off,” her voice is high and angry.

He lets her go, backing up a bit, “Do you not want me to stay with you?”

Looking at him she answers softly, “I do, but not for that reason. Even if you stay, I’ll be busy with studying and cram school and you need to train.”

“Kenma, I’m offering to stay so we can be together. Don’t you want that?” Leaning back on the wall he sighs, “Do you really want to do the long distance thing? Because you know I won’t survive like that, I can feel it.”

“I want you to fucking stay, I won’t be able to live with myself if you miss this chance. What happens when we break up and you’re stuck here? What happens then? I don’t want you to resent me because you stayed.”

“Do you really think we won’t last?” She doesn’t respond. They stay quiet until he breaks the silence, “Should we break up?

“We would have had to eventually,” tears are welling up. It’s the alcohol she convinces herself. It’s almost her curfew, they both know it. They walk to the train station together. It’s come to an end.

\---

Texts and calls are ignored until they eventually stops all together. There’s not point in talking about it. She doesn’t know whether she should give back all the bracelets and necklaces. How does she return the shirts and sweaters she borrowed without it being awkward? No matter how much she scrubs, the scent of his cologne won’t leave her sheets. There are so many messages in her phone from him. So many pictures. And a giant ass fucking bear.

Kuroo comes over. He takes the jewelry and puts it in a box at his house (“it’s nice jewelry and when you’re over it, you can wear it again”). He takes Bokuto’s clothes and donates the bear to a kid’s hospital. He provides as much comfort as he can. She’s lucky he’s staying in Tokyo. That he’s going to be nearby. That his good grades got him in to a great school here.

When school starts up, she focuses on finding a freshman to lead the volleyball team. She drowns herself in her studies so she can get into a school where she can study something worthwhile. She gets rid of so many of her games to kids in elementary school and buys new ones. Concurs them in a few days and repeats the cycle.

Kuroo visits when he can or she heads to his apartment that he shares with some guy from Miyagi named Tendou who is kind of weird, but also endearing in his own way. They talk while Kuroo studies or play video games together. His boyfriend, Semi, is nice. They invite her to have lunch sometimes and always try to convince her that rebounding will fix things. Every time they go out, suddenly one of their friends show up “out of the blue.” Terushima, from Miyagi whose wild and a flirt, but not her type (“He’s good in the sack!”). Iwaizumi Hajime, who’s nice, but not really interested (“Ushijima was the one he really hated” "Isn't he gay?" "Really?"). Then there was a few old members from their team, but each time, she tells them she’s busy with school.

His face comes back during homework or while taking practice tests, but she’s doing well in school and has a chance to get into Kuroo’s school if she keeps it up. Getting rid of him from her mind takes the whole summer break when they’re playing practice matches against Fukurodani as she trains Asami, the new manager. There are little things that bring back happy memories. Other ones bring back fights. Some bring up sex. Eventually, the pain dulls. Kuroo is eventually comfortable talking about the fact he’s still friends with him and he visits on breaks.

He asks about how she’s doing and Kuroo always says she’s fine.

Lev and Hinata are her new best friends in this time because Kuroo can’t be there for everything. Hinata brings candy and funny stories when he visits or sends reassuring text messages. Lev brings her lunch every Tuesday for some reason, but his mom’s cooking is good so she accepts it. They hang out, watch films, and visit Yaku. They chip in and buy her a bundle of odd indie games for her birthday.

Saying goodbye to the volleyball team is the worst part of it all. They baked her a cake, wrote her a card and Yamamoto cried. After that, it’s full school days and evenings in a cram school with Fukunaga. Equations being memorized, stories, English phrases and other bullshit she may never use again.

\---

 “Do you want to live with me next semester?” Kuroo asks casually while making popcorn. It’s wine Saturday because Kenma can only come over on weekends and Semi really wants to watch dramas with her while drunk.

Food almost clogs her throat, “What about Tendou?”

Passing over water, he explains, “He and Semi are getting their own place after the lease is up. I was planning on moving into another apartment complex, but I’d rather live with someone I actually know this time. Iwaizumi said he’d rent with me and a three bedroom is cheaper.”

“I need to get in before I can make that choice. Exams are in January, I’ll let you know.”

“You’ll get in.”

“Fingers crossed.” She takes the popcorn and puts it in a bowl, taking it back to the living room

There’s a lot of wine and Tendou puts on some stupid drama that Semi likes while they’re crammed on the loveseat.

Tendou yells at the television, “Be a man! Ask her out Takashi! She clearly wants you!”

Kuroo shoves him laughing, “He can’t! He’s respecting Ami’s feelings for Miki and Miki is his best friend! That’d be fucked up because they’re dating.”

“They break up next season, so who gives a shit,” Semi slurs back, dropping wine on his shirt. “Fuck, this is a good shirt! Hurry Satori, help me out with this!” He’s wobbling toward the bathroom, with a tipsy Tendou behind him.

Five minutes later there are moans coming out of the bathroom.

“Wanna go get late night ramen?”

“Please.” They’re quickly putting on their jackets before the moaning gets any louder.

“Sorry about that,” he apologizes, “I really should have seen that coming.” It’s only 11 PM on a Friday, but Kuro takes her to a relatively unknown ramen shop. It’s pretty busy, but not so much that they don’t get a table in 2 minutes. “Have you picked a major yet?”

Scrunching her nose, she stares at the menu, “I was thinking computer science. The program is great and I would learn how to do CGI and designing.”

Until their food arrives, Kuroo talks about how chemistry almost kicked his ass and it was the most satisfying A he’d ever gotten. He tells her about some the people he’s met at the coffee shop he works at, the amount of phone numbers that get left for him. To which Kenma rolls her eyes and says really, with that hair?

It’s all nice until they hear a familiar obnoxious laughter in the distance. “Oh dear god,” they look in the general direction of where it came from. “It’s like my worst nightmare.” It’s that same spiky, silver hair, with that goofy, infectious smile. He doesn’t notice them, he’s busy with some girl. She’s pretty. Long, bleached hair.

“The apartment is probably safe. I’ll go tell them to wrap up our food and pay,” he’s about to get up before Kenma stops him.

“I’m over it. Let’s just finish eating. He’s not important anymore.”

He nods and they try to keep conversation, but Bokuto has always had a loud voice and they can’t drown it out. Memories are flashing back. There’s a ting of jealousy. They haven’t talked in almost a year. He makes eye contact with her and his smile drops. “Shit. Kuroo, let’s go.” They finish and make their way out making eye contact again. He waves, she unintentionally glares.

Thy head back to Kuroo’s. She heads straight for a bottle of watter and takes it to Kuroo’s room. “That was weird. A part of me wants to go back and say hi and be his friend again. The other part of me doesn’t want to see him.” Taking a large swig of water, she puts it on the end table. Her heart won’t stop beating like crazy. Kuroo rubs her back and eventually escorts her home.

\---

Entrance exams are hell, but she passes and gets into most of the schools she wanted to go to. Her family talks about which school would be best, but it ultimately comes down to it being her choice. She tell Kuroo that she gets the master bedroom after her results come back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is trash. i am trash and tenho no midterm de portugues amanha. y un midterm de espanol tambien. 
> 
> this will be done in one more chapter


	7. Knew Better / Forever Boy

It wasn’t until his junior year that he realized he loved her when she came home drunk with Iwaizumi after Oikawa’s volleyball game. She’s laughing at Futurama like it’s the funniest thing on television and calling her statistics professor a living example of why weed exists. After Iwaizumi crashes on the kitchen floor, they’re left alone. They talk about their childhood. About the time Kuroo broke his leg or when he would sneak into her room when she was 12 to help her with English late at night. That shine in her eyes brings him back and he realizes he’s always loved her.

She passes out, he tucks her in, but pushes his emotions, knowing Kenma is focusing on finding herself. And he leaves her be for another year, watching her struggle. Hearing her cry at night from anxiety and he’ll go into her room, hold her until it’s over and she’s asleep.

\--

Kuroo looks a Kenma one night as she slaves away on a math project. Her hair is in a knot, flying everywhere, his shirt that she stole is hanging loosely off her shoulder, fingers typing away. Kenma takes no notice, trying to finish this project so she can end the semester on a high note. He knows her junior year has been killing her, knows it’s been a struggle to maintain her GPA, work and get at least four hours of sleep to function in class.

Kuroo notices over the next few days that she’s not eating as much. She’s drowning herself in her work, surviving on juice and poptarts. At this point, she can’t weigh more than one hundred pounds. He starts cooking more, making extra for her, packing her lunch. Kenma’s mom calls him one night, wondering how her daughter is, worried because she hasn’t visited or called them in the past month. Forcing himself to lie, he says her daughter is fine, just busy with homework. While he’s on the phone he sees her dressed up to go clubbing with Oikawa and Iwaizumi. Red dress, high heels, and makeup to match, she’s gone the moment he hangs up.

\--

Kenma can’t remember when she started disassociating. Can’t remember the last emotion she felt. Can’t remember if she showered last night or the night before. Can’t remember if she ate or not. Can’t remember when she got from one class to the next one. All she knows is that she isn’t feeling much.

She drinks to forget about life as Oikawa and Iwaizumi grind on each other. A man comes up to her that night, it takes a bit but she remembers his dumbass face. Daishou. A human snake.

“Can I buy you a drink,” he asks.

She doesn’t turn down free booze.

\--

What kills him the most is he knows she’s fucking that asshole, Daishou. Their “relationship” gives him anxiety. Knowing she’s unhappy because he’s not giving her what she wants. But she doesn’t stop no matter how much he protests and it kills him. Her phone vibrates, he peaks at it and see’s Daishou’s name pop up. He knows she’s going to leave in an hour, walk to his place, and come back at 1 AM, because Daishou doesn’t want her to spend the night. It makes his heart heavy, it makes him sick, but the more they argue about it, the more he feels he’s losing her.

\--

He comes home late one night after watching a baseball game at the bar and he sees a pair of shoes at the entrance that aren’t his or Iwaizumi’s. There’s a bang on the wall and he hears Kenma moan. Instead, he goes back out and stays with Lev.

\--

Daishou makes her feel alive on the days she can’t feel anything it all. He brings her back into existence, validates her reality and the more she sleeps with him, the more she wishes he would love her back.

But is it really love? Or was it a fake sense of it?

\--

He tells her he doesn’t want a girlfriend. He has her leave immediately. He’s stopped kissing her goodbye. When he feels like he’s losing her, he gives her the sweet nothings he knows she craves. He holds her. He tells her he loves her company. He tells her she’s pretty. And she falls each time. He can’t lose her, not right now.

She runs to him on the nights she can’t feel the most. He knows it. He knows there’s more to it than she’s telling him, but doesn’t allow himself to get closer.

 “Tell me you need me,” she moans, staring in to his eyes, almost in tears.

“I need you.”

And it’s not a lie that night.

\--

“I need him.”

\--

He’s hurting her more. She sees the names of his incoming texts. All women. He pushes her off the bed and she lands on her back. He doesn’t apologize. But she doesn't say anything.

\--

In bed, crying she thinks of what he told her high that day. About him dating someone for three months. Being used as a tool for him to cheat on her. Being told he didn’t want to be with anyone when in reality he didn’t want her. It hurts. It all hurts. And she can’t stop needing him. Because she would rather feel pain than nothing at all.

\--

Texts come, ignored while she drowns in piles of homework at that she forgot about. Homework that will save her grades. Doing all the extra credit she can to maintain a competitive GPA to fall back on so she can escape to the US if she has to.

\--

They’re drunk on the couch when Kuroo kisses her. She cries.

“I wish you wanted me four years earlier.”

They act like it never happened the following day.

\--

A month later, she gives into temptation at 3PM after class after a small text.

“I need you.”

\--

“Leave with me,” he asks her that night.

“Where?”

“France. For three months. We can travel.”

In that moment, the disgust of who she was with hit like a hurricane.

“Fuck off.”

\--

She hugs Kuroo when she gets home. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

\--

Sometimes Daishou pops into her head. The shit he did, how he hurt her and there are days she doesn’t believe Kuroo won’t screw her over. Sometimes she doesn’t feel things again. Kuroo’s love doesn’t magically cure her, but therapy helps. And for the first time in a while, she’s able to manage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty sure I told someone I would finish this before I die lmao.


End file.
